Friday, July 20, 2012

My morning was great, how was yours?

A morning in the life of a stay at home mom...

8:00 a.m. - proceed to wake up. First stop, get Cadence out of bed, set Cadence on floor, crying begins for her blankets, you cave and give her her blankets knowing that you will have to drag them back upstairs for nap time and this is after you know once she gets downstairs, she will no longer want anything to do with said blankets. Cadence proceeds to Addison rooms, shoves door open, door hits wall. Wait for the next two minutes while Addison continues the waking up process. Set Addison on floor, endure more crying and screaming. Addison wants her blankets. Give child her blankets. Crying and screaming continues. Child now wants her sippy cup. Give child sippy cup. Crying and screaming does not cease, she now wants her stuffed animal. Give stuff animal. Proceed to staircase. More screaming and crying ensues. Both children want carried downstairs. Ostomy bag is full, must hold it so that it doesn't fall off and proceed to get poopy everywhere. Arthritic knees are throbbing, makes descend downstairs unsteady, holding crying children is out of the question for the safety of all involved. Do not have a life alert for when we all go crashing down to the bottom of the stairs and end up laying there in a broken and bloody mess.

8:04 a.m. - stand at the bottom of the stairs waiting for crying children to make their descent. Crying continues because you have taken their blankets downstairs with you to prevent children tripping on blankets and rolling down the stairs head first.

8:05 a.m.- walk up stairs and plead with children to come downstairs. Must empty ostomy bag which has hit the maximum capacity. Should not have had late night snack!!! Cannot leave children standing on stairs crying, for fear of Addison, in a fit of mom took my blanket and won't carry me downstairs rage, pushing Cadence down the stairs.

8:07 a.m. - children and mom are safely at the bottom of the stairs where children have proceeded to step over blankets and forget they ever wanted the damn things.

8:08 a.m. - proceed to bathroom to empty ostomy bags. Cannot shut bathroom door as children will stand their screaming and crying while banging to get in. Begin the process of emptying ostomy bags while yelling at children to stand back and get their hands off the rim of the toilet. "NO I don't need help! Hands off." Prepare to have toilet seat slammed on top of your hands because older child thinks you are done and is  ready to flush the toilet. "Mommy poop bag...poop all gone!"

8:10 a.m. - Proceed to stand up after having to kneel on arthritic knees to wash hands. Remind oldest child that we only need to flush the toilet once...not twice...not three times...just once!

8:11 a.m. - Head to couch after gathering the diapers and wipes to change nightly diapers. Ask nicely for children to exit bathroom and get diapers changed.

8:12 a.m. - Ask nicely again for children to come out of bathroom and get diapers changed.

8:13 a.m. - Ask a little louder for children to come out of bathroom and get diapers changed while wishing your knees didn't hurt like a mo fo so you could just get up and drag them out of the bathroom.

8:14 a.m. - Flat out yell for children to come out of bathroom to get diapers changed. Children come scurrying out, clapping and rubbing their hands together with silly little grins plastered all over their face. Yup, children got into their baby lotion again. I'm going to throw that blessed bottle of lotion out since it's to tall to store in any of the upper cabinets.

8:15 a.m. - grab first child, place them on ottoman to change diaper. Get diaper off, begin to wrap it up. Child rolls off ottoman and takes off with a bare butt. Child runs by you laughing, grab child, and place her back on the ottoman. Hold on to a leg for dear life so we don't repeat the 8:15 a.m. process.

8:17 a.m. - round two diaper change for second child. Second child more cooperative. Rocks side to side with legs flaring in the air. Does not actually leave ottoman until clean diaper is securely fastened.

8:18 a.m. - crying starts back up. Children are starving, act as if they have not been fed in days. Walk to kitchen...don't trip over children that cut in front of you and then just stop abruptly. Make it to the kitchen in one piece. Get out cereal and bowls. Pour cereal into bowls, Addison gets EVERY SINGLE spoon out of the silverware draw. Walk away from bowls to get milk, screaming and crying starts back up because youngest child thinks you aren't going to give her her cereal. Get milk out of fridge, don't trip over crying child now kicking and screaming in the middle of the kitchen floor. Pour milk into bowls, young child is obviously bi-polar as she is now screaming with delight instead of frustration.

8:19 a.m.- walk bowls of cereal to dining room table. Watch out, kids cut you off AGAIN! Children are securely fastened in highchair/booster chair. All is quiet. Mommy sits on couch and savors the peace and quiet. 

8:21 a.m. - quiet is over, children want down. Famished children only ate about half of their bowl of cereal. Swear up and down you're only given them a cracker for breakfast from now on.

8:22 a.m. - go start a load of laundry. "Addie, quit throwing dirty clothes into the dryer." "Addie...that doesn't go in the washer." "Addie...get out of the dryer." Addison hits head on dryer upon exiting. "See...that's what happens when you play in the dryer when you aren't supposed to."

8:23 a.m. - children begin asking for "Mouse". You begin searching for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but it isn't on until 11. Children begin crying while asking for "Mouse." You quickly hit the button to access the kids on demand feature on your cable box so find an episode of "Mouse." In your hurry to find an episode you hit the button to quickly, the box freezes, the screen is black. The child is beside herself wanting to see "mouse." You begin begging to the cable Gods for the box to un-freeze, it un-freezes, you find an episode, all is right with the world again.

8:51 a.m. - you start singing the hot dog song from Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. You couldn't sing along with any new songs on the radio because of your lack of words, but you can bang out hot diggity dog like it's nobodies business.

8:52 a.m. - oldest child goes back to the table to finish eating her cereal. Cereal is gone, thought child was finished a half hour ago. Child begins crying. Give her a pop-tart to make her happy. Youngest child wants a pop-tart. Refuse because you know child will get it everywhere. Youngest child begins crying, you cave and give her the pop-tart thinking that for once she's hungry and will actually eat it instead of playing it.

8:53 a.m.- curse under your breath as you watch youngest child crumble the pop-tart in her hand and throw it all over the carpet. Curse under your breath again when you ask youngest to pick up her mess and she instead flashes you a toothy grin and takes off for the staircase.

8:55 a.m.- finish sweeping up pop-tart mess. Young child is missing. You hear feet running across the wood floor upstairs. Those old, creaky floors are handy for something other than waking the whole house up at 3 a.m. to pee. Find missing child playing in the upstairs bathroom. Toilet paper is everywhere, child is wet, obviously she had been playing in the toilet. Two minutes kid, two minutes you were alone, and in those two minutes you caused more damage than hurricane Katrina.

9:00 a.m.- pick up bathroom, sanitize child's hands and arms. Take everybody back downstairs, have to carry them, can't listen to anymore crying. Pray to God with every step you take. Wonder if you would fall and die as soon as you hit the bottom of the stairs or if it would be a slow and painful death instead. Picture children surviving said fall and then witness them circling your limp body like a bunch of Indians circling a campfire. Remind yourself to always carry your cell phone in your pocket so that you can call for help if you don't die instantly. Must prevent Indians from scalping you before nature takes it course.

9:01 a.m. - watch more "mouse." Try to Facebook on the laptop during children's program but you find yourself humming along and tapping your toes. STOP immediately and say to yourself, "I am not losing my mind, I am not losing my mind." Go back to Facebook, you start singing again. "Stop it I say, stop it. You will not be sucked in by the mouse and his pals. Remain strong."

9:02 a.m. to noon- Repeatedly ask for children to get off of staircase, stop turning on the dishwasher, get out of the toilet, don't touch the water and ice dispenser on the front of the fridge, get off of your sister, don't you scream at me little lady, put down the remote, don't play with my cell phone, get off the table, stop licking the window, don't you dare let the dogs out, stop playing in the trashcan, get out of my purse, don't you take your diaper off, find then, go pee, did you pee, go pee, did you finally pee, no, then get me a diaper, get over here so I can put a diaper on you, don't you pee on the carpet missy, I can't believe you just peed on the carpet, no I don't need help emptying my poop bag, I said flush it once, don't flush it again, eat your lunch, hold still while I wipe off all of your lunch from your face and hands, do you need to go to bed, I thought you were done with your lunch, that's it, you're going to bed!

Nap time- my second favorite time of the day!! And to think, my husband doesn't want anymore children. I'm the one who shouldn't want anymore children, you don't even want to know what the afternoons are like. There's no place I would rather be though, than at home with my girls. Greatest job I've ever had, hands down.

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