Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Pregnancy hormones take 1...

I don't know what is about today but at 12:42 p.m. I am seriously on the verge of a mini meltdown and we're only half way through the day. I know it's a combination of being pregnant, losing my job, not being with Addison, and realizing that we're moving but for crying out loud. I am sitting here blowing my nose and wiping away my tears with a freakin' Chipotle napkin that I had leftover from lunch today.

I am making myself sick wanting to be with Addison. We're so close to being together full time but yet we are so far away I am a complete emotional mess. Not to mention the raging morning sickness that I was suffering with this morning that I would much rather deal with in the comfort of my own home rather than at my place of employment in a public restroom. A week ago I was ok with not being at Addison's side day in a day out. I think it's because we didn't know any better and we knew me coming into work everyday was a way of life and that we just had to cope with it. But NOW...now that we know it isn't going to be our way of life it's heart wrenching to keep leaving her every morning. I wake up at 6:35 every morning, I change her diaper, feed her a bottle all while laying in our bed with her gently rubbing my face and talking sweet nothings into my ear. It takes every ounce of strength in my body to make myself get up and out of the bed to finish getting ready for work and not continue laying there with her in my arms. It pains me beyond words to call home nine hundred times a day and hear her in the background...to hear my husband say she is trying so hard to crawl but she just can't seem to master it...to hear her frustration in the background from the inability to move around like she wants so badly to do. My strength in coping is wavering as I lost count of how many times I contemplated sneaking out of here and wondering if my team lead would even notice.

I need my baby and I need her badly. I want to go home and tell her she will crawl in due time and I want to go home and praise her for every inch further she is able to move on her own. I want to go home and snack on her little toes and her chubby cheeks. I want to go home and wrestle with her during diaper changes and grin when I see the cute little baby butt that I now see every time we change a diaper because she wants to roll over instead. I want to go to the Doctor and get my nausea medication and I want to hear that this baby growing within me is a healthy viable baby just like they did last July when I was pregnant with Addison. I want to see this baby on the big screen and see it's little heart beat wildly in it's chest. I want to know if we're having a son or another gorgeous daughter. I want to feel this baby move all about in my tummy and I want it to be February already so that I can hold him or her in my arms. And then I realize I am not ready for it to be February yet because I don't want Addison to be a year old , I still want her to be my little baby who still needs me for everything. And I want someone to tell me everything is going to be ok, that everything happens for a reason, and that when one door closes another one opens, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, etc, etc., etc. And dammit I want someone to tell me to man up and quit your crying. For someone to tell me to perk up and get off of this path of negativity for crying out loud, and that if I don't knock it off I will turn into my own little episode of the "Young and the Restless" where we will all be confused and miserable because we can't keep track of who is divorced from whom, and who remarried who, and whose dead and whose not and why one day they have a two year old kid and now the kid has morphed into a 22 year old adult overnight and that just wouldn't be good...not good at all.

And at 1:21 I feel a little bit better now that I have gotten that off of my chest and soaked every last napkin I had left with my waterworks. And one things for sure...boy am I glad that I have Monday off for the 4th...I need that extra day and in case you were wondering...that will leave me with 37 days of being away from my baby buttercup. Lord have mercy on everyone reading my blog between now and then!

Friday, June 25, 2010

Shocking news just keeps pooring in!

Well if it isn't one thing it's always another, especially in our house. Not only do I have a four month old daughter with another baby on the way but now I am out of work. After more years that I care to think about I was given my pink slip yesterday from the mortgage company that I work for. A part of me is sad, frustrated, and down right angry. But then there is the other part that is glad. Glad because my dream has come true. I get to be a stay at home Mom for awhile and with another little one on the way it couldn't come at a better time.

My last day of work is August 20th and I can't wait. I am going to be a part of the club that can do activities during the day with my children! We are going to be selling our house which is a bummer but we knew it was time even without losing my job. We're going to be moving in with my Mom and paying off all of our debts, selling Daniel's junk pile of a car (take my word for it, Chrysler 300's are not that special...I hate that car), and saving lots of money. In a few years we hope to have enough money saved up that we can buy an empty lot and start building our dream home. I also plan on going back to school once the new baby gets here.

I guess the saying is true, "When one door closes, another one opens!"

Can you tell I am pregnant again? Check out my misspelling up there in the title. Seriously, pooring...come on Katie! LOL

Monday, June 21, 2010

One word...SHOCKED!

I know I have mentioned it time and time again but for those of you just tuning in, it took Daniel and I several years to conceive Addison. We had actually come to the point where my health, which was horrible last year, took priority over having a child and we set parenthood on the back burner. We made the ultimate decision for me to get better and that once that occurred we would begin the long process of determining why we were having infertility issues. Imagine our surprise that days after we had come to that decision we wound up pregnant with Addison. It's amazing how life sometimes turns out.

We found out we were expecting Addison on June 13th 2009 and by June 15th I had already seen the Doctor. I was considered high risk due to my health and it even went as far as having surgeons on stand by in case I needed immediate surgery to remove my gall bladder. Never would I have guessed that my pregnancy would have been so uncomplicated and easy, I was prepared for a battle.

Now many of you are going to say I had lost my mind but honestly, the day we brought Addison home from the hospital I was ready to do it all over again with baby number two. My pregnancy was normal, my labor and delivery was normal...knock on wood, so I didn't have any horror stories or memories that would prevent me from being ready again. Daniel at that point was my only obstacle. He and his younger brother are 10 1/2 months apart and he was adamant that we would not be repeating that so we discussed when it would be right to start trying again. We tossed out a few numbers and had pretty much decided between six and twelve months. We knew we wanted the kids to be close together but spaced far enough that life would be half way civilized for us. Of course when you want to wait a few months before you start trying for another one you actually have to do something to prevent it from happening sooner. We did not do that and it's not my fault. Because of my Crohns disease I cannot take birth control. I found that out the hard way let me tell you! I did have the option of having shots or something implanted but after years of infertility taking something to prevent children is a very scary thought and it's one I shot down very quickly. Now this of course meant that somebody else was responsible for preventing a child and as most typical men are, he was not thrilled with the thought. Then you add in the detail of Daniel being just as obsessed with Addison as I am and you have a problem. If I told him once I told him a million times that if I got pregnant again so soon it was his fault and if he ever uttered the words that we was upset or that he wished we would have waited I would have killed him. That threat obviously didn't bother him and then finally when I asked him if he was OK with it he actually said to me that he was having so much fun with Addison that he didn't care if it happened so soon.

Well it happened and it happened very soon, sooner than I anticipated actually. Who would have thought that after years of trying for Addison that baby two would happen without really trying and three months after having Addison. I think that was a big part of our desire to go ahead and try again. The fear was still in the back of my mind that if we didn't take advantage of my "after pregnancy" fertility that we would risk it taking years again for another one and it scared me. We found out we were pregnant on June 16th 2010 and if my calculations or correct we are due on February 20th 2011. It's almost as if I am repeating last year day for day. I would just like to add, we will not be repeating this next year...just an FYI!

So far I haven't been as sick as I was with Addison and in all honesty...I still don't think it has officially sunk in that I am pregnant. I keep looking at the pregnancy test thinking that one of these times I will look and one of the pink lines will be missing and then won't I be the fool for announcing it to the world. We tried really, really hard to wait for the big announcement this time but yet again we just couldn't do it.

I am well aware of the fact that we are still in the beginning stages and we are not out of the clear yet so anything could happen but our being parents yet again is a big deal for us and one that we want to announce from the roof tops. I pray I won't have to make a sad announcement but I will if I have to and it will be a little easier than the announcement I read over the weekend. Baby Cohen, who I mentioned in an earlier post that was born with a broken heart, lost his fight late last week. Losing a child, even if it is still growing within you, is a terrible thing to experience. It is one that I hope I will never have to live through. I cannot fathom what this young couple is going through. Faced with their own infertility issues they managed to overcome it only to be told that their unborn child was sick and would need surgery immediately after birth. He died with them only having held him for a few short minutes right after his birth. In the few days he spent here on Earth he endured surgery after surgery. It makes me angry and sad that they couldn't experience what Daniel and I experienced and that Cohen couldn't be healthy and perfect like our Addison is.

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers that they may find the peace and the comfort that will allow them to continue on.

Love your children today as if it were your last. Hold them in your arms and take in their sweet scents. Count their fingers and their toes and apply soft kisses to their chubby little cheeks. Savor their cries and their temperamental outbursts and comfort them in your lap. Allow their sweet smiles and soft giggles to melt your heart. Enjoy being just as wet as they are after bath time and appreciate diaper changes, spit ups, and food thrown all over your kitchen floor. It's those moments that you take for granted and those moment that Cohen parents would give anything to experience.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Happy Father's Day

I am so blessed to have so many wonderful guys in my life. While there are so many negative aspects about being a child of divorce the plus is that you get the fortune of having so many more wonderful people in your life than you would have had your parents stayed married.

My Dad is one of my best friends, someone I can call about anything and we do typically speak to each other every other day or so. In the past I would talk to him at least once a day. He just loves being a Papaw to his two little babies. Although when I told him about the 3rd that is on it's way he told me that my sister and I were obviously trying to kill him...lol.

My Step-Dad has been in my life since I was around two years old. He and my Mom married when I was three years old so I don't remember a time when he wasn't involved. While he and my Mom are no longer together he still considers me his daughter. He sent me to private school growing up, bought me my first car, and sent me to college which I screwed up royally. He is supportive in almost every decision I have made, except for the not finishing college part, but can we really blame him?

Not only am I blessed to have two Dad's, I also have this pretty special guy in my life and he is my Father...my Godfather so that counts. If you want to talk supportive this guy is supportive one hundred percent. He loves me like his own and he welcomed me into his home, his family, and all of their events as if I was their own. I love you Uncle Dan! If love could make you better, you would be as healthy as a horse!

Last but not least there is this guy! Daniel has far exceeded my expectations of his being a father. I knew he would be a good Dad but seriously, I don't have to ask him to change dirty diapers, give Addison baths, or help with the nighttime feedings. He does it all without hesitation and he loves this little girl in a way that he will never love me. He is part of the reason why baby #2 is on it's way. Through all of my countless "I want another baby already" comments he supported me for one reason and these are his exact words, "why not I am having fun". Happy first Father's day Sweetie...you deserve it and I can't wait until this time next year!

Friday, June 18, 2010

How it all began...

Today over at Kelly's Korner it's show us your life Friday again. This Friday is all about your engagement.

Our engagement is short and straight to the point, it's not mushy or sentimental, but it's ours and someday I will get to tell my grandchildren all about it.

Daniel and I started dating on March 19th 2005, we both knew at our one anniversary that we would end up getting married and I was secretly hoping for the engagement ring to seal that fate. March 19th 2006 came and went with no ring, no big deal, I knew it would happen eventually.

Shortly after that date we started discussing buying a house together, we spent weekend after weekend looking at houses trying to figure out what we wanted and didn't want in our first home. After yet another Sunday looking for a home we made a dinner pit stop at one of our local Olive Gardens...salad and bread sticks is all I have to say about that...lol. It just so happened that right outside the window was a jewelry store. I hinted around that maybe we should stop in and check rings out since we were in the area that way he would be more knowledgeable in what I was looking for in an engagement ring. I do not wear jewelry other than my engagement ring, wedding band, and my birthstone ring from Addison, so I wanted to make sure he bought me a ring that I would wear for the rest of my life. I wasn't interested in eventually trading up like so many women are today. Anyway, much to my surprise he agreed so we stopped in and started looking around. I of course fell in love right away with my engagement ring but I was more than prepared to walk out empty handed to wait for the day when Daniel would have the money set aside to purchase it and officially propose. I still can't believe it but when he saw just how much I loved that ring he stopped me when I was handing it back to the clerk. Daniel said I could keep it on and we bought it right there on the spot. I got proposed to in the middle of the jewelry store with a bunch of sales clerks standing around...so romantic...lol. The official date was May 7th 2006 and we were married on May 5th 2007, almost exactly a year later.

I can't believe how fast these three years have flown by and I can't begin to describe how great it is to know we still truly love one another and that we have the most gorgeous little girl in the world. We both had come to the realization that together we may never become parents so it's a wonderful feeling to be able to gaze upon our daughter knowing that she is what happened when two lives joined together. It may have taken over two years but she's here and we are happy and we are even more happy knowing that baby #2 is on it's way. Yes, you read that right! Baby #2 is expected to arrive February 20th 2011. No we are not crazy and yes I realize that we could very well have two kids under the age of one for a few short days but we are tickled pink. We also have come to terms with the fact that Addison could be blowing out candles and opening her gifts in between Mommy's contractions at the hospital. A year and a half ago I prayed for a baby...now look at us...we are about to have a second! The pregnancy is still very early so we are praying that the outcome is the same as it was for Addison...that I carry and give birth to a healthy little boy or girl. I can't wait to share the journey of our second pregnancy along with updates on Addison's growth and new feats.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

My lifeline...

I knew when I got pregnant with Addison that my life was going to change dramatically. I knew life would no longer revolve around me or Daniel and that everything we had, both physically and emotionally, would go into raising this little girl.

I will be the first to tell you that I have had my moments of utter despair with this little girl. Those moments where I just want to lay her in her bed and shut the door on her crying and screaming just so I can go into my room and shut the door and sob out of defeat. I quickly remind myself though that three years ago I was sobbing in my room thinking that we would never become parents. That feeling of defeat is one I could never describe to you and one that you would never understand unless you have experienced it first hand. I catch myself holding her and looking deep into her eyes and it has still not fully sunk in that this little girl, this bundle of absolute joy standing on my lap is mine...all mine, and Daniel's to by the way. I conceived this child, I carried this child within me for ten long months, and what still blows my mind is that this child actually came out of my body, naturally...with the help of a few drugs. Will it ever sink in that I don't have to give her back? That her Mommy won't be by later to pick her up?

Since creating this particular blog and becoming a Mommy I have been more fascinated by the other thousands of blogs out there dedicated to families/children by women. I have been witness to amazing birth stories, birthdays, and rights of passage into transitioning from a baby to a child. I have also stumbled by what seems like so many blogs announcing illness and death in these very women's young babies and children. I am reminded on a daily basis just how blessed I am and how fortunate that I was to be able to successfully carry Addison for ten months knowing that in the end she would be healthy. I am reminded of this because of this family and their newest bundle Cohen. Two days after his birth and after several months of knowing that he had a broken heart, he underwent open heart surgery. I cry for this family just thinking about it and I cry knowing that their situation could have easily been our situation. The thought of Addison going through such a traumatic experience so soon after birth is traumatizing to me. The thought alone of something happening to my baby sends me into a tailspin. The thought of her being broken and me not being able to fix her is one of the most terrifying things I think I could ever experience and I pray every single day that it is one I will never have to go through.

Like I said above, I knew my entire emotional being would be focused around Addison but never until I stumbled upon Cohen and his families blog did I know just how big of a deal that would be. I would die for my child and I would kill for my child, that is how deep my emotions run concerning her. My love for Addison is unmeasurable and borderline obsession. I know deep down inside that no matter how much I love my husband and my family, I will never love anyone, not even them, as much as I love this little girl and her future siblings.

I have gone from being concerned about my own self being and existing in the world in which we are currently living, to being scared of what I may have done to my daughter by giving birth to her. Will she enjoy the freedoms and the luxuries that we have taken for granted...twenty, even thirty years from now? The thought of her suffering at the hands of this often times cruel world scares me and upsets me. I wish we lived in the land of lollipops and cupcakes overshadowed by sunshine and rainbows but alas we don't. I can only hope that ten, twenty, heck even sixty years from now she can still open her front door without the fear of death, of being able to watch her children play in their front yard, and of always being able to obtain the proper nourishment and medical needs.

Lord how I love this child! I wish upon her a lifetime of happiness and happy ever afters and I pray that God allows me to witness her every step of the way.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Busy Weekend...

I sorta fell off the face of the blogging world now didn't I? I apologize I have just been really lazy and haven't gotten around to it. I did create one post but blogger wouldn't allow me to upload pictures to it on the several occasions I tried so I just gave up on it.

We had a very busy weekend here. Saturday morning at 9:45 thank you...my sister Megan graduated from high school. She is glad to be done and I can't say as I blame her.

Graduation was followed by a nice nap and then a cook out with some family. Sunday was our only lazy day and we didn't accomplish a darn thing...it was lovely...lol.

Addison and I did spend the night with my step-dad, his girlfriend Kathy, and with Megan on Sunday night in preparation of the big graduation party on Monday. I thought we would go over to help cook and I was making cake balls. SOMEBODY was of no help...she fell asleep on the job as shown below...lol.

Not only did Megan graduate from high school but my brother Steve is graduating from college on June 12th...they did a joint party that way family only had to come in once.

Addison went swimming for the first time on Monday and I think she is still debating on whether or not she will be doing it again. My little cousins Maria and Monica were having a good time with her. They are the youngest of six kids so I think they were amazed that there was a kid smaller than them. Monica kept rubbing Addison's head!

What's a graduation party without a little Rock Band??

Not much else to report, right now I am concentrating on the thunder storm going on! Thank god for the internet because the satellite is out.