Tuesday, January 17, 2012

What makes the world go round?

I think a big part of why I don't blog as often as I would like is because I feel like a blog post isn't complete without pictures. Unfortunately with a very active almost two and one year old, I don't take as many pictures on a day to day basis as I used to therefore I don't have a lot to share. I decided tonight before sitting down to write this post that I don't necessarily have to post lots of pictures, what is important is that I'm blogging our life for us to remember one day. I have lots of different things on my mind tonight, some dealing with the girls, me and my health, and various other topics so please bear with me if this post gets all over the place.

First up, the girls birthday party. I'm excited to say that I ordered and have received the proofs for both of their invites. Yay me!! I will be getting them printed off and hopefully mailed tomorrow. Which means this shindig will be official. I tossed back the idea of only having one invite made for the both of them, after all I'm only throwing one party for the both of them, but the cool Mom in me won out and decided that it was only fair to give them each their own invite. Especially since Addison had her very own first birthday invite and because I swore to myself before Cadence was even born that I would always do my best to individualize their birthdays no matter how convenient it would be to roll them into one. I'm already rolling their party into one so I wanted to at least do this one thing separately. Since ordering their invites, thank you etsy, I have also paid a visit to orientaltrading.com. Man I love that site, I ordered all of the dinner and dessert plates for their party along with a few decorations and some party favors. I received the e-mail today that my order is being shipped out. I know I have already said this, but I am so excited for this party. I've scaled back on my plans some as common sense told me I didn't need to spend money on items that we would only use once, or could make on our own. Scaled back plans also mean that instead of ordering a big fancy cake like I had originally dreamed of, Momma is going to be making cupcakes for the guests and ordering a small smash cake for Cadence. Watch for me on an upcoming episode of Cupcake Wars, this could be monumental folks...lol. Seriously though, I think the hardest part of this task is going to be getting the right colors when it comes to the icing, wish me luck.

Speaking of the big birthday party, I am starting to have a really hard time with the fact my babies aren't babies anymore. I just went through the pictures on my phone tonight and I just can't believe how much both girls have grown and changed in a year, especially Addison. A year ago she was still this little baby with chubby cheeks and chubby thighs. Now, well, she's a little girl. Her hair is long, her face and thighs have thinned out, and she can sass back like no other. The terrible two's are in full swing now and Lord help us, the child is a handful. We have days where she's an absolute joy to be around, listens to everything that we ask of her, loving and affectionate, just perfect. And then we have days where I do a lot of praying. A lot of praying for her safety because as much as I love that child, all I want to do is hog tie her to a chair with duct tape over her mouth. Does this make me a bad parent? It's not like I would ever actually do it, but boy do I have moments of wishing she came with a pause AND a mute button. Its these moments where I wish children came with manuals. Manuals that explained how to correctly punish your children and how to prevent such behavior. When she doesn't get her way she can throw a temper tantrum that makes you want to leave the house. Do you sit them in time out or do you put them in their crib until they have calmed down? Or better yet, do you just let them have the tantrum all while you go about your business as if nothing is wrong? I find myself just giving in to her at times because what I would like to say no to just isn't worth the experience of another tantrum. Today at the grocery I bought her a few snack items. I'm not sure what they are called but they come in a little package that she can suck the various flavored fruits out of. Immediately after seeing one she wanted to open it up and go to town. Now my better judgement was saying no, she didn't need it and to throw it in the cart. But then my common sense kicked in and said is it worth the complete meltdown in the middle of the store that I was about to experience had I have not given it to her, worth it? I'm not sure if I did the right thing by giving it to her, but it sure did save me the pain and embarrassment of one of her temper tantrums. Man, this parenting stuff sure can be hard at times and I do wonder if I'm going to make it out alive. I'm especially scared now because we've started to notice that even at eleven months old, Cadence is starting to throw what I will refer to as mini temper tantrums. She will lay flat on the ground, legs out, arms out...pretty much straight as a board, and begin to whine and lay her head down on the floor as if she was just plum tuckered out. It's funny now, but I imagine it may only get worse. All of this being said, my next topic of discussion will be found to be quite humorous...

I'm seriously going through baby withdraw. Go ahead laugh, I know you want to. The girls have us so busy right now I couldn't even imagine what adding a third would be like. I take that back, yes I can, it would be absolutely chaotic and I know full and well that having a third child right now would be the third biggest mistake that we have made in our marriage. Remember the house and the Chrysler were our first and second...lol. A few months ago if you would have asked me if we had plans for any future children I may have very well told you no, never! I know that's what Daniel's response would have been and if the decision was solely up to him that's what it would be even today. If it were up to him he would have already been snipped by now, if you know what I mean. He is quite content with our two little girls. Mommy on the other hand is not content. Most won't understand my way of thinking on this matter but I don't feel complete. My heart tells me that our little family isn't done growing yet and it also tells me that a third child for us means a son. Thankfully my husband loves our daughters so much that he has slowly come to terms with the fact he has to help me produce one more child...lol. Rest assured though, it won't be for a few more years. My body took a beating with two back to back pregnancies. Most women probably would have bounced back right away, but with my disease that wasn't the case and I have paid dearly for it. I honestly didn't realize how worn out my body was because of my pregnancies and the Crohns disease until they were pumping my body full of someone else's blood during my first hospital visit this past summer. Now I have come to terms with the fact I need to wait for a few years not only for my health, but for my sanity as well. I would like some time off from diapers and not sleeping through the night before I do it again. But I will say one thing, if one more person I know posts on facebook that they are pregnant and if I don't stop looking at pictures of the girls from when they were fresh out of my body babies, well lets just say my common sense may be thrown out the window.

Common sense. What a subject. I like to think that I have pretty good common sense, in fact I know that I have pretty good common sense. Sometimes I just don't listen to it. Example being...the Chrysler...I knew we shouldn't have bought it but I hated telling Daniel no so I went through with it. Don't you just hate that. Walking that fine line of decision making for the right reasons or the easy ones. I have lost a ridiculous amount of sleep over decisions that were either made and later regretted, or over decisions that need to be made. This in return causes me great deals of anxiety. One of the horrible side effects of my disease is that depression and anxiety is pretty 100% a given. Even without this wonderful disease I'm an anxious person by nature. I've mentioned it before, but I can take the smallest, most frivolous issue, and turn it into my worst nightmare. Issues that most people would just shrug off can make me sick for weeks. I can remember events growing up, things that I may have said or done that I have regretted, and at 28 years old still make me want to throw up or berate myself. It's absolutely ridiculous and I'm in the process of finding a good therapist because my Crohns doctor agrees its time for me to be medicated. I pray that I find one quickly because my anxiety level regarding my disease is at an all time high. I'm not sure if I have mentioned it or not but my new treatment for my Crohns disease, you know the one prepping me for surgery, involves needles. I have to give myself an injection every two weeks. The initial dosage requires four injections, two on day one, followed by two more the next day. I received my first set of injections on Christmas Eve. It took me almost a week to gather enough courage to give myself the first two injections and they were failures. I managed to inject the shots but the click of the epi pin was so loud that it scared the crap out of me and I ended up pulling the needle out, both times I might add, before any of the medicine was injected. I felt like such a failure and now I have allowed myself to get so worked up about it that here we are how many weeks later and I still haven't done any of my other injections. In fact it took me until today to re-order the two pens I wasted. I can't tell you how many times I have taken the pens out of the refrigerator to inject them and then just couldn't go through with it. I have even tried allowing my Mom to give them to me. When I allowed my Mom to do it I broke down into hysterical sobs and wouldn't let her come near me with them. Honestly, this is just not acceptable. I'm on vicodin for the pain that I am dealing with right now so one would would think that I would be able to handle the injections. I talked to my nurse a week ago about my issues and she said that this is pretty common. She is going through infertility treatments and has to give herself shots daily. She said the first time she tried to do her shots she cried like a baby and had to have her husband administer them. It made me feel better that even a nurse, who gives shots daily, was unable to give herself one. I pray that I am able to start doing these injections soon because I am sick to death of being sick. Hopefully a little medication for anxiety will help speed this process along. I am doing much better compared to how I was just a few months ago, but I still need to go further. I am still physically and mentally exhausted and it's not just acceptable anymore.

Are you bored to tears yet? It felt good to get some of my random thoughts that have been floating around in my brain out. Hopefully you don't think I'm crazy, even though I think I am just a little bit...lol. I promise my next post will come with a few pictures, its only fair after having made you just read all of the randomness above. I also have an exciting giveaway for you to participate in. I'm still working on the details for the actual post but if you would like to check them out beforehand its for a digital scrap booking download from mymemories.com. I love the idea of scrap booking but in reality I lack the motivation and skill required to actually do it. What's great about mymemories is that they pretty much do all the hard work for you, you just download and add your pictures. Stay tuned for the actual giveaway, my goal is to have it up by Friday.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Don't sweat the small stuff!

I walked into 2012 thinking that it would be our year. I haven't been shy in letting everyone know our financial issues that started back in 2010 and continued through 2011. We gave up our house, or let me rephrase that, are still trying to give up the house. It's still legally ours however it shouldn't be much longer...fingers crossed. We gave up our last vehicle over the summer and yes I shed tears like a two year old when I handed over the keys to it. The Equinox was my first baby. The first major purchase that I had ever made without the help of my parents, it was the vehicle that drove us home from our wedding, and the vehicle that drove us to and from the hospital after being blessed with our two little girls. It stung saying good-bye but we made the adult decision that it was time and looking back I don't regret it especially since we made money off of it. Since saying good-bye to the Equinox, we had been driving and taking care of my Mom's truck. It's not just any truck. It's a man's truck, the truck that Daniel has drooled over for more years than I care to remember. It's an F-350 with the crew cab and extended bed. It's huge and I hate it. Yes the four of us fit perfectly inside and yes, it was free for us to use, but here are the things I hated about it. Point a, it only really fit the four of us. Since losing my father in law back in May we have tried really hard to remain a large part of my mother in laws life. We inlcude her in most all of our weekend plans and she is always ready and waiting to attend. I hated the fact that most times she would have to drive separate in order to play with us and on the few occassions she did drive with us she and the girls would be stuck in the back of the truck squished together like a bunch of sardines. Point b, have you ever tried doing a full blown grocery trip having a truck without a cap on the back therefore leaving you to put yourself, your husband, children, and groceries all in the actual seating portion of the vehicle? Doesn't work very well! Lastly, the thing I hated most about it, it wasn't ours. Don't get me wrong, I am 100% appreciative to my Mother for letting us use it. We're still using it and it is beneficial to her in the fact that its not sitting in the driveway rusting away like it had been. It's actually being used and taken care of now which from what I'm told, is good when it comes to trucks.
Now I bet you're wondering why I'm sharing all of this with you aren't you? Well it's late here and I don't want to keep you guessing or in suspense. I'm sharing this with you because as much as Daniel loves the truck, my hatred for it and his desire to finally have something back in our names won out. We are now the proud owners of a 2003 Yukon XL Denali. People, this thing is so large we can have three more children which means that there is plenty of room for my mother in law and all of our groceries.
What is funny is that this thing is a 2003 which means one thing...it's used. Shortly after I bought our Equinox brand new, we went out and bought a used Chrysler 300m. It was the second biggest mistake we have made in our marriage, our first was buying the shit piece of a house that we did. Within the first month of owning the car the transmission started to go, it continued to give us problems until the day we said good-bye to it. I swore up and down that we would never, ever, ever, buy a used vehicle again. EVER!!!
But lookey what we went and did, we bought another used vehicle. I'm one of those freaks of nature that like things to be in pristine condition. I don't like dents and scratches or things that don't match, please tell me I am not the only one. As you can imagine buying a vehicle that was brand new back in 2003, this baby has a scratch or two, has a little dent in the back, and the interior has a few cosmetic pimples. Issues that our once brand new Equinox was starting to develop...it happens when you drive a vehicle daily for years. As much as I cringe whenever I notice a new bump or bruise on the Yukon that I hadn't noticed prior, we've only owned it for a week so I'm still in the getting to know you phase, I have to keep remiding myself it's no big deal. What's important is that it runs and it's ours and to be honest, it really is in pretty good shape and man is it pretty. Daniel said he feels like he's running some secret service detail in it, it's black by the way, when hes out driving in it. His aunt said it looked like we were part of Dog the Bounty Hunters crew. I personally just feel like a spoiled soccer Mom in it...lol.
I've learned a lot this past week. We had what we thought was a major issue with our house, major issue as in neither Daniel or I slept Sunday night because of it. Come to find out after remaining calm and collective it was something that was easily rectified first thing Monday morning and now I just feel like a horses butt. But between the house drama, and it was drama let me tell you, and all of the little scratches and stuff I keep finding on the new ride I've realized something. I really need to stop sweating over such small and ridiculous issues that I have no control over. The stress that I cause myself because I make such a big deal over stupid stuff is getting out of control. I made myself sick with worry Sunday night only to have it work out perfectly the next morning and I still cringe every time I discover a new cosmetic issue with the Yukon. These things are out of my control so why do I allow myself to get so worked up? It isn't worth it. I have a roof over my head, a vehicle to drive, two beautiful and healthy daughters, and a loving and hardworking husband. I'm also able to put food on the table for my family every single day and health wise things are starting to improve, I have a lot more going on for me than what a lot of people do right now and for that I am thankful. So I'm adding to my New Years resolutions...Katie, don't sweat the small stuff!!!

Friday, January 6, 2012

I could just eat her up...

You all remember when I said one of my resolutions for this New Year was to blog more?
You do. Well good, because here I am. I don't have a darn thing to say but I'm blogging anyway. Mainly because I took the most adorable picture of Cadence today and I must share it with the world wide web.
I'm sorry to all of you other parents out there, but seriously, is this not the most adorable child you have ever seen? I mean really, if she were any cuter I would have to take her to Build-a-Bear and have her stuffed and then I would have to buy her one of those overly priced bear outfits.
This child is such a ham, I promise you that whenever she sees me grab my camera she is straight up smiles. Sooo cute!!
I'm so in love with this picture that I have decided it's going to grace her first birthday invitation...that I still need to order by the way. We have less than two months for me to get myself into full on birthday motivation mode and I still have yet to take Addison's picture for her invite. The goal, keep fingers and toes crossed for me please, is to have the invites sent out together on the 18th. That will give people four weeks to clear their schedules and put us on their calendars!!

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Years

Happy New Years from my family to yours!
God has blessed me so much with my two little girls.
The years 2010 and 2011 were pretty rough for our little family financially and for me health wise, but 2012 is already looking up for us as we begin our fresh start. We are blessed with wonderful family and friends and they along with my husband and daughters make all of our past struggles seem small and frivolous.
Thank you for continuing to take this journey alongside of us via our blog. My resolutions for the new year are to blog more, send birthday cards and thank you cards instead of texts or e-mails, and to spend more quality time with family that I don't see on a regular basis.
What are some of yours?