Wednesday, April 18, 2012

My just in case something drastic happens post...

It's 10:32 on a Sunday night. In three days I will be undergoing my first ever surgery. God forbid it be a simple one, it's a big deal. One that they weren't willing to undertake here at Miami Valley at first. I have had two individuals that work here at the hospital now comment about how they recognized my name from seeing and hearing about me so often here at the hospital, but they've never had the face to go along with it. I don't know how I feel about that.

It's hard going through this surgery having a one and a two year old at home. While I am confident in the medical team that will be taking care of me, I'm still intelligent enough to know that anything can happen. I thought writing a little something to both of my girls might help release some of the emotion that I have building up inside of me right now.

So here we go...

Addison~ I don't even know where to begin with you. You were my precious, quiet, snuggle baby when you were born. Never in a million years could I have anticipated the vibrant, strong willed, stubborn, kind, funny, loving, little girl that you have turned into. It's amazing how I can go from being angry with you one second, to being smitten with you in another. I love you Addie. More than words will ever be able to express to you. You are the reason I am a Mother. As one of the nurses pointed out last night, my pregnancy with you is what more than likely allowed me to get pregnant with your sister so easily. I'm a mommy because of you little one, and I am so grateful to you for that. My heart aches for you when you aren't in my presence. At nights I just want to grab you from your bed and put you in bed with me so that I can snuggle you close. I love your smell, and the feel of your skin against mine.

You are such a kind and giving little girl. I see a future of helping others for you. I think you would make a perfect nurse or doctor. Whenever I have felt ill this past week or so you will come up to me and gently rub my cheek with your hand, or you will gently scratch your nails up and down my forearm. Your head will be tilted ever so slightly and with such concern in your eyes you will ask "mommy all ight, mommy tummy, mommy owie booboo?" I love that you care so much for others already and you are only two years old.

I love when you want nothing to do but to snuggle up on the couch with me so that you can get underneath the blanket while we "beed" a book. "Mommy beed it?" Yes Addie...Mommy will always beed it to you.

I love you Addison Grace, I love you in a way that only a good mother would know. I truly would do anything for you. I would die for you and because of my love for you, I am choosing to live for you by having this nasty resection. I can't wait for the times that we will have once I am back up on my feet.


Cadence~ Oh child, goodness, goodness, goodness. I remember clearly when we brought you home, within days we were ready to take you back. Never have I heard a little baby cry so much for no reason at all. Here we are twelve months later and you are a completely different child. You are our calm daughter. You take everything with a grain of salt but you most definitely know how to plays us. You're the daughter that is going to keep up constantly guessing. With Addison we know she's trouble, she isn't shy about doing things she shouldn't be doing. You on the other hand are sneaky. Right when we have you figured out you go and throw us for a loop. You're goofy little grin and your little squeals of delight are the most unbelievable thing ever. They bring such joy to my heart. You are content being my little snuggle buddy. You could sit in my lap all day long if you could. You love it when I gently squeeze you, nuzzle your head, and hold you close to my chest. You love being loved and you love giving love in return.

You are enjoying eating right now. Half the time when you see that I have started making your plate of food, you've already started climbing into your highchair. You don't even have to be asked. Most of the time you've cleared your plate and then have started on your sisters. I think of you as our little chipmunk, but much cuter. You love to dance and whenever you hear any music come on the tv you stand up and start bouncing up and down. It's absolutely precious to watch. You have brought such joy into our lives and everyday I reminded why God brought you into our lives so quickly after we had Addison. Never once were you thought of as an accident. Trust me when I say you could have been prevented, we just chose not to. Now did we think you would be conceived three months after your sisters births? No! But boy am I glad you were. I pray that you and your sister will always be the best of friends.

Like I told your sister, you are the reason why I am doing this surgery. It's because of my two beautiful daughters that I continued to get out of bed everyday even when I didn't have the strength to do so. I always somehow managed to find it because I knew that you two babies needed me. At times I felt burdened by it, but in reality, it was my pleasure providing for the two of you. You both gave me strength I never knew I had. I owe everything to you and your sister.

Love always,

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