Thursday, April 1, 2010

Back to work and not happy!!

Today is my first day back to work. I kept telling myself I would be fine since Addison would be spending most of the day with her Daddy before heading to the sitters house but guess what...I was only kidding myself. Leaving her at home this morning cradled in Daniel's arms getting her bottle about tore my heart right out of my chest...morning bottles were my job and I am resentful that that job has been taken away from me.

I have only cried once at work but I find myself looking at her pictures quite often. I should never have downloaded her pictures to my work computer, it's too much of a distraction and while I gaze upon them I feel the dreaded pain in the back of my throat from trying to hold back my emotions. Those chubby cheeks just call to me to squeeze them but sadly I am not able to do so.

I never imagined loving someone so much or being so dependent on having that person in my presence at all times. Who cares that I haven't had a decent nights sleep in six weeks, well months considering those last few weeks prior to her birth I couldn't roll over in bed or get comfortable to save myself, but if we are talking about getting up every two and a half hours then it's six weeks. Who cares that my mind and sanity are shot. I mean really, who needs to talk in complete, understandable sentences anyway. And do I really need the invitation to my cousins wedding that I lost within an hour of opening it? I still can't find that stupid thing and I wouldn't be surprised if I go to grab something out of the freezer and I stumble upon it. I can't stand this not being able to pick her up whenever I want and I would be more than happy to continue living my life like I have above if only I got to stay with my little baby buttercup all day long!

I hate to tell this little girl but she is not going away for college, moving out, or getting married...I just don't think my heart could take anymore!

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